


(3 times Jesus cared for Judas and) 1 time it was the other way round (or was it?)

by i_am_a_hog



Series: Jesus Christ Superstar [37]
Category: Jesus Christ Superstar - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, mentions of mary magdalene, post-resurrection, this is one of the better things I have written, writing this made me cry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-27
Updated: 2019-03-27
Packaged: 2019-12-18 14:02:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18251315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_am_a_hog/pseuds/i_am_a_hog
Summary: What it says in the title.Rated M because of... obvious injuries related to Crucifixion. Ummm... idk if it's graphic enough to warrant M but better safe than sorry.





	(3 times Jesus cared for Judas and) 1 time it was the other way round (or was it?)

**Author's Note:**

> I have not written in about 4 weeks and so all this tension and all my depression and stuff have Unloaded into this fanfic which is. And Angst-orgasm?
> 
> idek what I'm saying. it's 1:36 am.
> 
> Oh yea and: special shout-out to ohhmichelettoohh on tumblr for the idea for this :)

1.

Jesus cared for Judas even when he did not realise it yet. He had come to Jesus a broken man. He had been hurting, inside and out and Jesus had helped. Of course Jesus had helped; that was who he was. And Judas had absorbed that care and tried to build himself up. It was more difficult than anticipated but eventually he started to get better. He knew it was all because of Jesus and he knew that he owed him his life in a way. But he only realised he loved Jesus once he considered leaving him. Judas could not leave Jesus. It felt as if an invisible string was connecting the two of them, pulling at Judas’ heart if they were too far apart. And even if Jesus could not love him back, Judas would stay with him; after all, he owed a life debt.

* * *

 

2.

He began to get worse again. The idea of unrequited love began to eat away at Judas, his state of mind worsened with each passing day and of course Jesus noticed; of course he wanted to help. But his help only made everything worse, because it made Judas realise how truly deserving of love and everything good Jesus was. So it hurt even more not to be able to give him all that and much more. Yet, through all of Judas’ misery, Jesus stayed, touched, spoke to him softly. His touches almost made Judas forget the dire reality of his situation; they acted like a soothing balm to Judas’ body and soul until he felt like he could not live without them. So when Jesus pulled away, Judas chased after his touch, grabbed his wrist to slowly intertwine their fingers, drew circles with his thumb into the skin at the back of Jesus’ hand, while staring ahead stubbornly, refusing to look at Jesus. The latter did not resist; on the contrary, he seemed to melt into Judas’ touches, leaning in closer and when Judas finally dared to look, a small smile shone from Jesus’ eyes.

* * *

 

3.

Judas was used to scrapes and bruises in conflicts with police. He could handle violence directed at him, but this time, he had been knocked out and by the time he woke up, his head was aching and he could barely open his eyes without a splitting pain nearly pushing him back into unconsciousness. He vaguely registered being pulled and carried around, but he only really came to when he heard Jesus inquiring after his wellbeing.

“I’m ok,” he croaked, even though he hurt all over.

“I don’t think you are,” Jesus replied and Judas heard the smile in his voice. “But with that attitude you will be.”

Over the next time – Judas was not sure how long – Jesus brought him water, fed him soup, talked to him softly and held his hand when he thought Judas was asleep. And sure enough, Judas got better. But their situation only became worse. It all changed when their movement started building up momentum and Jesus grew over his own head. It was never supposed to be that way and Judas tried to stop it but he only realised what he was doing once it was too late. He only realised that he was destroying everything once it was too late and he was breaking down, struggling to hold the weight of thirty miserable silver pieces in his hands.

* * *

 

+1

Jesus survived. Jesus miraculously survived and for the first time Judas was inclined to believe what they had said about him; what they were still saying about him. But there was no time to ponder these questions because Jesus did not survive well. It was a narrow chance and in the first couple of days, Judas could never even leave his side without worrying he would come back to a lifeless shell. Despite all odds, Jesus pulled through and eventually won the risky battle against the fever he had had since Judas had gotten him out of the tomb.

They were laying low in an abandoned house, windows all nailed shut, they could only light candles at day so as not to alert anybody at night. Mary helped. She brought them food and clean water every two days, but she knew she could not do much, so her visits all ended quite quickly. But Judas stayed and when Jesus opened his eyes for the first time and fever was no longer making them glassy and unfocused, but instead Jesus’ whole being shone from them, Judas realised that his love had never vanished at all.

But he swallowed it down. Jesus needed somebody to lean on now. Not somebody clingy and in love. Judas cooked, Judas cleaned and Judas washed. He worked to keep the sparse home he had temporarily made, sanitary, because he could not risk getting Jesus’ wounds infected.

In the beginning, Judas had nearly thrown up at the sight of Jesus’ torn up back, burnt from the sun that had beaten down on him on the cross, but the nausea got better and with it did the wounds.

In the beginning, Judas had felt an echo of Jesus’ pain every time he looked at those hands, ripped up, swollen, and most likely forever disabled.

In the beginning, Judas had felt his knees buckle at the sight of Jesus’ feet, infected and no better than his hands; worse, if anything because bones had been shattered and Judas could do nothing about it. Jesus was never going to be the same and Judas knew it was all because of him.

This was the real reason of his discomfort around Jesus. But it was more than discomfort; it was an agony so biting and aggressive, that some nights, Judas could not even sob but would just silently lie in the dark, tears streaming down his face and into his hair.

Jesus became thinner, his skin dulled and his hair was completely unruly. But he healed and the first thing he did after opening his eyes was smile. The same smile that had haunted Judas for so long. And at the sight of this smile, Judas rushed over to Jesus’ side and held out his hand in a silent question. Jesus’ eyes were warm, smiling along with his lips even through the never-ending pain and slowly, Judas took Jesus’ bandaged hand into his own and lifted it to his lips. Gently, hesitantly, he kissed every finger, feeling them twitch against his chin. Slowly, he looked up to Jesus. His lips were slightly parted, a small sigh escaped his throat; a raspy sound, yet clear as day, and for the first time in weeks, Judas’ self-loathing was pushed aside.

He did not let go off Jesus’ hand for a long time.

Changing bandages was still a terrifying experience each single time. The wounds were never going to close, but the edges of the terrible injuries scarred over time and left gaping holes in the place, where flesh, tendons, muscles should work to hold together the bones. Those holes would not close and Jesus’ motor skills would never return, but regardless, he did not give up, starting to move his fingers after some time, then his feet, despite the significant damage. Jesus was yet a long way from walking but he did not give up and seeing these agonising attempts at normalcy made Judas’ heart swell up with pride and affection. He had not killed Jesus after all, for he had not killed his spirit.

Their dynamic changed as well. Before, it had only been touches and secret longings. Now, there were looks of equal understanding in both of their eyes. There were careful touches, charged with something more, something significant, but Judas was still not ready to do anything about it. He waited, because after all he had done, it was hardly his place to make demands.

But then Jesus would smile at him once again and something hot clawed itself around Judas’ heart; something urgent. He moved to sit next to Jesus on the bed. It creaked suspiciously, but it carried their combined weight as Judas once again took Jesus’ hand between his own. The bandages were off now, injuries healed as far as they would on the outside. Jesus’ fingers moved, closed slightly around Judas’ and when he looked up he could see the effort it took Jesus to lift them up to his lips. Each carefully placed kiss burned its way through Judas’ body to join the hot clasp around his heart; he could not look away, mesmerised by Jesus, who mimicked his own actions back at him. Their eyes finally met and Judas barely suppressed a gasp.

“Your turn?” Jesus said with a smile in his eyes. And although it was a question, Judas understood it as the challenge it was. Without breaking eye contact, he brought the same hand up to his lips like he had done so many times by now.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Index finger.

“I’m so sorry.”

Middle finger.

“I can never say…”

Ring finger

“… how much I regret everything.”

Jesus’ little finger twitched against the press of Judas’ lips. Tears were forming in Judas’ eyes, but he blinked them away, unwilling to look away from Jesus.

Carefully, he tilted the hand and closed his eyes.

“I love you.”

His lips pressed against tender scar tissue, the moment tears escaped his eyes. Above him, Judas heard Jesus hiss; he was not sure whether the words or the touch gave reason to the sound, but half of him expected this to be the end of it. The other half was waiting for yet another miracle. Judas eventually pulled away and opened his eyes, but he could not look at Jesus.

The hand he was holding moved to touch Judas’ chin, nudge it upwards in a clear demand. When Judas met Jesus’ eyes, they too were filled with tears.

“I know.”

In this very second, everything came crashing down on Judas and he sunk into himself with a heart-wrenching sob.

“I know,” Jesus repeated. “I forgive you.”

Hearing these words, shook Judas to the core. The heat in his chest was spreading through his entire body, loosening tears he had held in for too long, letting them flow freely.

“And I love you.”

It was those words, that made Judas break down completely, but Jesus just took him into his arms and let Judas cry against his chest for as long as he needed, pressing kisses into his hair. And when it was finally over, he repeated his words.

“I forgive you and I love you. You must know this.”

If Judas had had any tears left in him, he would have started crying again, but at that time, he only looked up at Jesus, while emotions were ripping him up from the inside.

There was no smile in Jesus’ eyes now, but something better: Sincerity.

And with the reassurance this gave to Judas, he leaned in for one final kiss, closing his swollen eyes yet again. Jesus’ lips were chapped, rough, but soft and yielding against Judas’ and their chaste kiss was more passionate than any other form of intimacy Judas had ever experienced before. When they parted, Jesus leaned his forehead against Judas’, breathing evenly, while Judas’ breath was racing.

He let his hand wander along Jesus’ hip to his back in order to pull him closer; the other hand was still holding Jesus’, both of them firmly refusing to let go.

Judas could feel the scars even through Jesus’ shirt, thick, bulging lines that would never disappear or heal, but remain a part of Jesus forever.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered shakily, shaking his head when he realised that he was only repeating himself.

“I know,” Jesus answered again and leaned in closer, so that Judas could feel the words on his skin.

A gentle kiss was pressed against the corner of his mouth. One against the other corner.

And then their lips met again and Judas believed him. He was forgiven.

**Author's Note:**

> yall.  
> i cried.  
> did you cry?  
> oh lol and i hope you didn't cry cause my spelling was bad , i only proofread this once and it was like 1:30 am so,, sorry for mistakes  
> Blease comment n kudo! <3


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